I have a confession to make.
I feel almost ashamed to admit it... here, at this place where so many diaries (and diarists) are judged on a daily basis.
This is a great place, but not one for the weak of heart. One should jump in knowing that whatever one thinks or writes, there will be discussion concerning it's relevance and validity.
But I'm diving in anyway.
I am a racist.
No, no...not your normal racist. Not the kind that actively seeks to disadvantage one race so that another can benefit. Not the kind of racist that would ever think less of someone for being born with a different hue to their skin. Not the type of racist that would ever say anything publicly or privately that suggests that God is somehow more inclined to bless one color over another.
But I am the kind of racist that sees a young black girl walking 2 babies down the street and wonders why "those" people have children so young, and so often out of wedlock.
I am the kind of racist who would avoid certain streets and certain places at certain times of day because I didn't want to be harmed by criminals.
I am the type of racist who used to think that racial profiling was a smart thing for law enforcement to do, because I would rather have them catch 10 bad guys, then for me to worry about a few black or brown people who are wounded by an unjust police action.
I am the kind of racist who has thought about the "black problems" of poor health, substandard education, increased poverty, and high homelessness and thought..."this is their problem...not mine."
And I am a Christian.
I don't know if I am like a lot of other people. I don't know if my emotions resonate with many others who know what it's like to "love Jesus" and at the same time look down on the tragic circumstances in the black and brown communities while justifying this by pointing out the "sins" and lack of personal responsibility in their own house.
I think even my attempt to normalize my past emotions by wondering if they are resonating with a larger crowd is a symptom of my desire to lesson the blow of my new-found paradigm on my own psyche.
But I'm going to sit in this for awhile...
I am a racist.
It may not be the kind of racist that would harm another man...but wait:
A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury.
John Stuart Mill (1806 - 1873)
Okay, so maybe I am just like any racist. You see, I really want to let that sink in. How much harm have I done by my inaction?
So here is where I stand, and will continue to stand as long as I breathe.
Words ARE better than solutions.
Why are they better? Because we will NEVER get to any solutions without the words that sear our souls and get us to face the reality of our lives, our thoughts, our desires and passions.
I didn't come to a different paradigm for myself and for those who don't look like me through "solutions."
I came to this place because of words.
I will make a difference NOW because I have faced myself through the eloquent and deeply authentic, and wretchedly intimate words from Barack Obama.
I don't care if you vote for Hillary Clinton or John McCain in the end. That's not what this diary is about.
I guess what I really want to say, is please don't ever....EVER underestimate the power of the spoken word.
They move men. They move nations.
Everytime I hear someone say that they offer more than "just words", my heart will wonder:
Why would you want to diminish me? I am 41 years old, and I have begun to do what most people can never do, and never want to do... that is, change who I am.
Acceptance is not a state of passivity or inaction. I am not saying you can't change the world, right wrongs, or replace evil with good. Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.
Peter McWilliams, Life 101
For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.
Ingrid Bengis
I'm ready to change. And as I change, America changes with me.